Home
About Us
Open Mic
Comedy Car Crash
Where we are
Who's on When
Contact Us
Join our facebook group
Join Our Myspace group
Our Photo Gallery
Online comedy Stand-up videos
Your Jokes


 


The Lion's Den Comedy Club London
The Cross Kings - 126 York Way, Kings Cross, London, N1 0AX London Comedy

Your Jokes - How Funny Are You?

Send Us your Jokes and we will give you credit for them - please be original... not all jokes make it!



Joke Page: 1 2 3 4 5

David Charlton
Joke: A catholic priest is driving down a dark country lane, when all of a sudden he hits a frog, the priest gets out of the car to check the frog is okay. Amazingly the frog is still alive. The priest does what any good priest would do and takes the frog home to nurse it better. After several bowls of fly soup and some rest the frog seems to be picking up. The priest tucks the frog into bed and the frog says 'read me a story' as the frog starts to fall asleep the priest tip toes out of the room, the frog wakes and says 'I cant get to sleep without a goodnight kiss', so the priest leans over and kisses the frog, as his lips touch, the frog suddenly turns into an 11 year old boy - and that m'lord is the case for the defence.

Ryan James Elms
Joke: I went on a first date the other night and it was the most awkward and quiet time of my life, but atleast she laughed at a few jokes......i took her to a comedy club

Stan
Joke: 1000s of people in Haiti are today surrering from the 30 aftershocks last night, what amazing people!
Im f*cked after just 5 of the Red ones

Skint Bint
Joke: I'm having trouble getting into the Harry Potter stories; I can believe in flying broomsticks and magic spells but a ginger kid with two friends?

Paddy Buckley
Joke: A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says Whoa, look at the size of that f*cker!"
Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.
Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, " Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a F*cker fish"
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
Look at this huge f*cker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.
Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no - that's what this fish is called, " says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that f*cker and we could have it for dinner".
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. " Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.
No, sister that's what the fish is called - a f*cker, " says the bishop.
Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, wonderful, I'll cook that f*cker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"
The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.
Well, I caught the f*cker!" says the priest. And I cleaned the f*cker!" says the bishop.
And I cooked the f*cker!" says the mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says
" You know what?, You c*nts are alright."

Max Addyman
Joke: Did you hear about the american who got in big trouble after he dismembered a grizzly?
He misunderstood the 2nd amendment when it said he was entitled to bear arms.

Paddy McCay
Joke: I met this girl once. She said she worked in telesales. I asked "what make? Sony Panasonic? Hi def?"

Young A.J
Joke: A jelly baby walks into a doctors sergery and asks for an s.t.d test. The doc asks how might a jelly baby be laible for one. The jelly baby replies "I've been shaggin' allsorts"

Rhys Jones
Joke: Knock knock
Who's there?
Howe-wenwat-wai
How, when, what, why, who?
You ask too many questions! Forget it.

Nelson de Gouveia
Joke: We got to a point in our relationship where she asked me for a reason for her to stay with me...I told her I was like her handbag and that I complimented her shoes...she said I never complimented her shoes...she was right, I never complimented her shoes. Her shoes were shit. So was her handbag...we broke up.

Mark Gale
Joke:I was once watching countdown with my gran and i got aroused.
7 letters...my personal best.

Mark Gale
Joke: My Grandad was a fake blacksmith you know.
He worked in a forgery!

Michael Douglas
Joke: sheep walks into a mosque in a full burkha - mutton dressed is-lamb ...

Becca Gibson
Joke: Why did the baker have mucky hands?
Because he kneaded a poo...

John Talbot
Joke: How does the pope buy things on eBay? He uses his papal account!

Stephanie Laing
Joke: Knock knock
Who's there?
An interrupting sheep.
An interrupting shee.. BAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Wojtek Zdrojkowski
Joke: I think my girlfriend is trying to get rid of me, I think she might not like Polish people. I looked in the one of the cupboards, there was a bottle there that said 'removes polish.' Not only that it was made in Germany.

Maria Bywater
Joke: Men are like parking spaces the good ones are taken and the ones left are all disabled

Damien Alexander
Joke: If you build a man a fire, you keep him warm for a night.
If you set him on fire, you keep him warm for the rest of his life.

Luke Garrett
Joke: knock, knock!
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting c...
MOOOOOOO!!!


Luke William
Joke: What does a cannibal do after he's dumped his girlfriend?
Wipes his @rse!

Adam Smith
Joke: I once took a girl out who's dad owned a Blockbuster Video. He said she had to be home by 10 but I got her home at half 11 so I had to shove her through the letter box and pay an extra £5.00!

Martyn Tott
Joke: "If life gives you lemons... squeeze them in your enemy's face"

Michael Smith
Joke: What is it with kebab shop workers obsessively offering salad and chili sauce? They get twitchy over it don't they? Its almost as if they have a hidden agenda..like the big kebab boss is incentivising them to get rid of the stuff! I'm sure they have like, weekly team meetings about it. (Kebab boss): "leyton kebab has done 400 kilo of chili sauce and a ton and a half of salad...(everyone claps) but at the bottom of the table is the woodford branch who have only managed 20 kilo of sauce and salad!" "would you like to explain yourself woodford branch!(woodford branch rep) "yes er well we are trying but...but" (Interupted by kebab boss) now do we have to go through your training again....repeat after me...SALAD!....CHILLI SAUCE" (woodford branch reluctantly repeat) salad..chilli sauce.. (Kebab Boss) OPEN OR WRAP!!! (woodford branch again reluctantly repeat)open or wrap... (Kebab Boss):"good good....you try harder next month!...next on the adgenda.......BURGER SAUCE!!!!!

Tom Mabon
Joke: A homeless guy approached me the other day claiming he hadn't had a bite in days.
So i bit him.

Milli Innilä
Joke: The leading couple of this joke consists of husband and wife. The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed.
"Well, I've seen you naked. You don't need that towel," says husband.
"I just feel more comfortable this way," wife responds.
"But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state," continues husband.
Wife gets suspicious and asks what husband would do with the photo. "I'll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time," he responds, and gets his picture then heading for shower himself. He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.
"Why are you wearing that towel now - I want a photo of you in return," demands wife. Husband does as he's told, the photo's taken and they check the result in their digital camera.
"What will you do with this photo of me, then?" asks husband.
Wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again. "I'll have it enlarged," she finally responds.

Ola the Comedian
Joke: Young Black British boys spend their time doing foolish things like picking an Off License, running in, shooting everybody and taking everythign they have. I tell them to see the bigger picture and do what White British men have been doing for centuries, which is PICK A COUNTRY, run in there, shoot everybody and take everything they have. That's the correct way to do things.

Dean Ryan
Joke: What do you do if a bird sh1ts on your car? Dump her immediately she must have no class!

Shaun Carse
Joke: A female Olympic swimmer was talking with one of her teammates about using steroids. She claimed that she was going to quit taking them because she was growing hair in scary places.
When her friend asked her where the hair was growing, she replied, "On my nuts."

 

 

Joke Page: 1 2 3 4 5

Free Online Jokes from the Lion's Den Comedy Club