| David Charlton
Joke: A catholic priest is driving
down a dark country lane, when all of a sudden he hits
a frog, the priest gets out of the car to check the
frog is okay. Amazingly the frog is still alive. The
priest does what any good priest would do and takes
the frog home to nurse it better. After several bowls
of fly soup and some rest the frog seems to be picking
up. The priest tucks the frog into bed and the frog
says 'read me a story' as the frog starts to fall asleep
the priest tip toes out of the room, the frog wakes
and says 'I cant get to sleep without a goodnight kiss',
so the priest leans over and kisses the frog, as his
lips touch, the frog suddenly turns into an 11 year
old boy - and that m'lord is the case for the defence.
Ryan James Elms
Joke: I went on a first date the
other night and it was the most awkward and quiet time
of my life, but atleast she laughed at a few jokes......i
took her to a comedy club
Stan
Joke: 1000s of people in Haiti
are today surrering from the 30 aftershocks last night,
what amazing people!
Im f*cked after just 5
of the Red ones
Skint Bint
Joke: I'm having trouble getting
into the Harry Potter stories; I can believe in flying
broomsticks and magic spells but a ginger kid with two
friends?
Paddy Buckley
Joke: A priest hooks a huge fish.
Helping him reel it in, a sailor says Whoa, look at
the size of that f*cker!"
Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.
Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out,
" Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called
- it's a F*cker fish"
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor
and takes the fish back to church.
Look at this huge f*cker" says the priest, spotting
the bishop.
Language, please! this is God's house," replies
the bishop. "No, no - that's what this fish is
called, " says the priest. "Oh," says
the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean
that f*cker and we could have it for dinner".
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings
it to the mother superior. " Could you cook this
f*cker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.
No, sister that's what the fish is called - a f*cker,
" says the bishop.
Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior
says, wonderful, I'll cook that f*cker tonight, The
Pope is coming for dinner!"
The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they
got it.
Well, I caught the f*cker!" says the priest. And
I cleaned the f*cker!" says the bishop.
And I cooked the f*cker!" says the mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze,
leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his
feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says
" You know what?, You c*nts are alright."
Max Addyman
Joke: Did you hear about the american
who got in big trouble after he dismembered a grizzly?
He misunderstood the 2nd amendment when it said he was
entitled to bear arms.
Paddy McCay
Joke: I met this girl once. She
said she worked in telesales. I asked "what make?
Sony Panasonic? Hi def?"
Young A.J
Joke: A jelly baby walks into
a doctors sergery and asks for an s.t.d test. The doc
asks how might a jelly baby be laible for one. The jelly
baby replies "I've been shaggin' allsorts"
Rhys Jones
Joke: Knock knock
Who's there?
Howe-wenwat-wai
How, when, what, why, who?
You ask too many questions! Forget it.
Nelson de Gouveia
Joke: We got to a point in our
relationship where she asked me for a reason for her
to stay with me...I told her I was like her handbag
and that I complimented her shoes...she said I never
complimented her shoes...she was right, I never complimented
her shoes. Her shoes were shit. So was her handbag...we
broke up.
Mark Gale
Joke:I was once watching countdown
with my gran and i got aroused.
7 letters...my personal best.
Mark Gale
Joke: My Grandad was a fake blacksmith
you know.
He worked in a forgery!
Michael Douglas
Joke: sheep walks into a mosque
in a full burkha - mutton dressed is-lamb ...
Becca Gibson
Joke: Why did the baker have mucky
hands?
Because he kneaded a poo...
John Talbot
Joke: How does the pope buy things
on eBay? He uses his papal account!
Stephanie Laing
Joke: Knock knock
Who's there?
An interrupting sheep.
An interrupting shee.. BAAAAAAAAAAAA.
Wojtek Zdrojkowski
Joke: I think my girlfriend is
trying to get rid of me, I think she might not like
Polish people. I looked in the one of the cupboards,
there was a bottle there that said 'removes polish.'
Not only that it was made in Germany.
Maria Bywater
Joke: Men are like parking spaces
the good ones are taken and the ones left are all disabled
Damien Alexander
Joke: If you build a man a fire,
you keep him warm for a night.
If you set him on fire, you keep him warm for the rest
of his life.
Luke Garrett
Joke: knock, knock!
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting c...
MOOOOOOO!!!
Luke William
Joke: What does a cannibal do
after he's dumped his girlfriend?
Wipes his @rse!
Adam Smith
Joke: I once took a girl out who's
dad owned a Blockbuster Video. He said she had to be
home by 10 but I got her home at half 11 so I had to
shove her through the letter box and pay an extra £5.00!
Martyn Tott
Joke: "If life gives you
lemons... squeeze them in your enemy's face"
Michael Smith
Joke: What is it with kebab shop
workers obsessively offering salad and chili sauce?
They get twitchy over it don't they? Its almost as if
they have a hidden agenda..like the big kebab boss is
incentivising them to get rid of the stuff! I'm sure
they have like, weekly team meetings about it. (Kebab
boss): "leyton kebab has done 400 kilo of chili
sauce and a ton and a half of salad...(everyone claps)
but at the bottom of the table is the woodford branch
who have only managed 20 kilo of sauce and salad!"
"would you like to explain yourself woodford branch!(woodford
branch rep) "yes er well we are trying but...but"
(Interupted by kebab boss) now do we have to go through
your training again....repeat after me...SALAD!....CHILLI
SAUCE" (woodford branch reluctantly repeat) salad..chilli
sauce.. (Kebab Boss) OPEN OR WRAP!!! (woodford branch
again reluctantly repeat)open or wrap... (Kebab Boss):"good
good....you try harder next month!...next on the adgenda.......BURGER
SAUCE!!!!!
Tom Mabon
Joke: A homeless guy approached
me the other day claiming he hadn't had a bite in days.
So i bit him.
Milli Innilä
Joke: The leading couple of this
joke consists of husband and wife. The wife has just
taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still
shy being newly wed.
"Well, I've seen you naked. You don't need that
towel," says husband.
"I just feel more comfortable this way," wife
responds.
"But I want to take a picture of you in a natural
state," continues husband.
Wife gets suspicious and asks what husband would do
with the photo. "I'll put in in my wallet and keep
it close to my heart all the time," he responds,
and gets his picture then heading for shower himself.
He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.
"Why are you wearing that towel now - I want a
photo of you in return," demands wife. Husband
does as he's told, the photo's taken and they check
the result in their digital camera.
"What will you do with this photo of me, then?"
asks husband.
Wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo,
then husband again. "I'll have it enlarged,"
she finally responds.
Ola the Comedian
Joke: Young Black British boys
spend their time doing foolish things like picking an
Off License, running in, shooting everybody and taking
everythign they have. I tell them to see the bigger
picture and do what White British men have been doing
for centuries, which is PICK A COUNTRY, run in there,
shoot everybody and take everything they have. That's
the correct way to do things.
Dean Ryan
Joke: What do you do if a bird
sh1ts on your car? Dump her immediately she must have
no class!
Shaun Carse
Joke: A
female Olympic swimmer was talking with one of her teammates
about using steroids. She claimed that she was going
to quit taking them because she was growing hair in
scary places.
When her friend asked her where the hair was growing,
she replied, "On my nuts."
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