Lee Hume
Joke: Horse walks into a bar. The barman says 'Why the Long face?'. The horse says 'Its over Geoff'.

Tom Everitt
Joke: If the bird of peace is the dove, surely the bird of true love is the swallow!

Shan Mak
Joke: Whats the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex? one will make your day the other will make your hole weak.

Andy Sills
Joke: I've been spending a lot of time trying to find myself recently.......on google earth

Michael Cohen
Joke: How do old people know when to get out of the bath? They're so wrinkly to begin with...

Ben Briggs
Joke: My last relationship was ended brutally by a text message,
Well i told her not to play with her phone whilst she was driving

Terry Stamp
Joke: They say revenge is a dish best served cold. My girlfriend left me for my best friend a while ago. I decided to get back at them. So I took them out for a nice ploughmans lunch.

Matt Day
Joke: Man walked into a room with a sheep under his arm .
says "this is the old goat i have to sleep with when you have given me a head ache"
woman says " i think your find thats a sheep"
man replys "i think your find i was talking to the sheep "

Scott Oulton
Joke: Ann Widdicombe walks in a pub with a parrott on her shoulder and says to the barman, "if you can tell me what animal i have on my shoulder ill give you a shag". With a look of fear and disgust, the barman says " ah, um, eh.... A Crocodile!" Ann says, Close enough!

Tommy Ettling
Joke: I'm Neurotic and I'm Paranoid... I'm afraid that no one is out to get me.

Albion Gray
Joke: I recently told a joke about Tony Blair still being Prime Minister - apparently it wasn't politically correct.

Alistair Greaves
Joke: Q - What do you call a dinosaur who can never quite think of the right word?
A - Use-a-thesaurus

Kai Motta
Joke: Did you hear about the cross dressing postman?

She got done for male fraud.

John Atkins
Joke: I punched a German philosopher in the face the other day...
I was arrested for crimes against Nietzsche.

Martin Richardson
Joke: I've been trying new things in London, so the other week i went to see a musical. Then after the show i read the reviews. One said "This show is like nothing you'll ever see again." I went twice, it was exactly the same.

Luke Graves
Joke: They say that black is slimming but I think that Barry White proved that theory wrong...

Bob Freeman
Joke: Bob wakes up one morning, looks out of his window to find a gorilla in his favorite tree. So he calls the pest control immediately.
The pest control man arrives in his van and says, "That the gorilla?"
"Yep that's him"
the pest control man then opens his van and gets out a pair of hand cuffs, a terrier dog and a shot gun. He say, "right, I'm gonna go up that tree, wrestle with the gorilla, slap the hand cuffs on him and push him out the tree. When he lands, this dog will grab him by the bollocks and hold him there till i get down, ok?"
"yeah that sounds fine"
He starts to climb the tree when Bob says to the pest control man,
"hey what about the shot gun!"
"Oh yeah I forgot, if by any chance I fall out first, shoot that bloody dog!"

Shane O'Connor
Joke: It's a cruel irony of life that people who go speed dating take the longest to get laid.

Laurie Whiteley
Joke: Two dyslexics are at a petrol station. One turns to the other and says, 'Can you smell petrol?' The other one says 'Smell petrol? I can't even smell my own name!'

Kat Williams
Joke: Did you hear, caffine releases the same endoprhines in the body as a really good shag, so does that make Machine-based instant coffee kind of like getting laid in a bathroom of an isolated gas station in a horror movie; it's dirty, seems like a good idea at the time, takes three seconds and tastes vaguely of something viral, and during the process you realise you may just wind up horrifically murdered...but damnit, it's still coffee.

Joke: How do you sell a caravan to a midgit?

(Look down) "do you want to buy a caravan?"

Milly Belderbos
Joke: A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with
her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice
children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you d*ckhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe
anyone would shag you twice!"

Christian
Joke: I went to the doctors with an hereditary disease, what is it he asked, Diahorrea i replied... The doctor said thats not hereditary, and i said, well it's in my jeans....

Chris Parker-Welch
Joke: Why are countries poor when they can print their own money??

Andrew Quinn
Joke: In my last relationship I got pretty badly burnt...she was a pyromaniac.

Sam Pacelli
Joke: Who's the richest fruit in the world? Sultana Brunei.

Ben Allen Roebuck
Joke: An Australian walks into a small Irish bar...(in Ireland not Australia), after taking a seat at the bar,a local stands up and proudly says "53"....there is a pause, then everybody starts laughing....then another patron stands up and says "42"...again everybody cracks up with laughter...the Ozzie turns to the barman an asks "whats is this ?....some kind of Irish Bingo????...The barman replies "No son...this is only a small Irish town, we all know each others jokes, and to make it easier we have numbered everyones jokes, so we just say the number and everyone has a good laugh...
The Ozzie looks impressed and then enquires " Mind if i have a go?"...After the barmans consent, the Australian stands up, turns around and says loudly "86"...there is a pause....nobody laughs except for one guy that gives a mild snigger...The Ozzie turns back to the barman and asks "what went wrong...was it a bad joke"
He replies...."No,.....it was a great,,....unfortunately your delivery was just shit"

Yariv Perelmuter
Joke: Im from Israel right, i must tell you it's no secret that you Brits don't like Israelies. I've been living in the UK for 6 years now and i still receive letters from the council addressed to the 'Occupier'...

Scott Calonico
Joke: How come you can take the cap off of super glue?

Catherine Miller
Joke: Why don't cats like shaving? Because 9 out of 10 prefer Whiskas.

Carwyn Jones - I don't think this one is original as two people came up with it (in order) the same week...
Joke: I went to see the doctor and she said to me "Mr. Jones, you have to stop masturbating".
I said "Oh no, why?"
She said "because I'm trying to examine you..."

Robbie Wilson
Joke: Bigots are so stupid, like people who call gay men: 'turd burglars'. Anyone can see that bumming makes turds harder to steal.

Michael Chandler
Joke: When I went for a visa to go to Australia they asked if I had a criminal record. (Pause) I did not know you still needed one!

Fraser
Joke: Dating sites are fundamentally flawed. Your have to judge someone based on a little profile, and guys and girls read those in different ways. I went out with a girl who said that she was adventurous, spontaneous and would try anything once.... Which i took to mean, she took it up the arse on a first date... NOoooo, actually she turned out to be a suicide bomber

Bob Hanson
Joke: Q: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
A: I'm a beater on a grouse shoot.

Dave Bromage
Joke: Just joined one of those social networking websites but found out it's supposed to be for Egyptians only.
It's called Fezbook.

Deborah Basckin
Joke: What's ET short for? That's just the way he is...

Oli Stephens
Joke: My girlfriend though she might be pregnant, so I got her one of these home pregnancy tests. I took the stick out of the box, told her to go into the toilet and do her business on it. I said to her, "Has it turned blue yet?" She said, "No, it's still brown."

Edward Hands
Joke: A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?" His mother replied, "Not yet".

Kelly Hamilton
Joke:: How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas? Deep pan,crisp and even.

Oli Stephens
Joke: I found this announcement in the paper: Police are looking for a man, mid-twenties, long black hair, at least 6 foot tall, owning a motorbike. Persons meeting this description should make contact with WPC Yates in connection with her recent divorce and intent to find a man who can show her a good time. Must like women in uniform. Handcuffs supplied.

Joshua Ryan
Joke: Q: What goes "Ooooooo"?
A: A cow without lips.

Colin Martin
Joke: Just started anew job. Management have a strange way of making yes and no decisions. Some roll a dice evens is yes odds is no. Others flip a coin heads is yes tails is no. Didn't take me long to find out who are the rollers and who are the tossers

Finlay Taylor
Joke: What do a chav and a gillette fusion have in common? both carry 5 blades

Periwhyte
Joke: Codger: ee son `ave benn a labour supporter all me life..now ahm dyin ah want yoo to git me papers to join Tory party...
son: to join Tory party da`.. why ?
codger: ..ah`d rather one of them bastards died than one of us !

Mick McGrath
Joke: Did you hear about the gypsies who won the lottery?
They were paid in traveller's cheques.

Luke Benson
Joke: Did you know you make the same noise as two coconut halves walking down the street...by banging two horses together?

Cal Saville
Joke: A friend asked me why entertainers don't do funerals. I said I tried once. I opened up by saying, 'We're here to mourning the passing of Steve, who once told me he'd never be seen dead at one of my gigs. I guess he was wrong.'
Amazingly, no one there booked me for their funeral.

Jon Buchan
Jokes:
Which one actor never thanks god when he wins an award? Christian Slater!

People look down upon transexuals, but you gotta admit: sex change operations take balls.

Philip Sutton
Joke: You think kids have got it tough in the mean streets of Elephant & Castle, it's much worse up here...we only have 23 letters to the alphabet, 'cos we have no NHS!!!

Mark Needham
Joke: Did you hear about the clothing store that was burnt to rubble on Oxford Street? They said it was a New Look

Tink
Joke: Two pieces of rope walk into a bar, the bar man says we don't serve rope. The two pieces go outisde and tie them selves together as well as messing up their hair. When they go back in the bar man asks are you rope? and they reply, were afraid not.

Mark Restuccia
Joke: My mate works in a donkey graveyard. He's not enjoying though, says its full of ass-holes

Huw Bromage
Joke:: Whats a shitzu? I thought is was one with no penguins.

Alicia Zmitrowicz
Joke: If you ask a man why one of there lot climb Everest they'll proclaim "because it's THERE" Yes well the ironing is "THERE" but they don't want to do THAT. They don't want to tackle that particular mountain.

Tim Kelly
Joke:: Why does Tony listen to George? - The last time anyone listened to a Bush the Israelites spent 40 years wandering in the desert.

Dave Sims
Joke: A drunk father staggers up his driveway at home, where his son is working on his car.
"What's wrong, Son?" he asked
"Piston broke," came the reply.
The dad says,
"Me to"

Nick Rado
Joke: What do you call a Black man flying a plane? ... A pilot you racists!

Tom Deacon
Joke: I wondered why the frisby was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Tom Goodliffe
Joke: Hey lads, I'm going out with this stunning girl. She could stop traffic!

Sam Tabersham
Joke:: I was never one of the popular kids at school. Even my imanginary friend thought I was a f***ing twat.

James Davis
Joke: KNOCK KNOCK! who's there? THE POLICE! the police who?
STOP PISSING ABOUT IT'S THE POLICE.

Big Tom
Joke: A bald man with one leg wanted to go to a fancy dress party but he didn't know what to go as. He wrote to a fancy dress company and asked for a recommendation. The reply came back saying that he could go as a monk becasue of his bald head. He replied angrily saying that they were just being rude about his bald head.
The company apologized and wrote back saying that he could go as a pirate, his bald head could be covered by the hat and his wooden leg would complemnt the outfit. He replied angrily saying they were just being rude about his wooden leg.
A few days later he recieved a parcel with a note. In the parcel was a pot of sticky toffee and the note said smear the toffee over your head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple!

Carl Hutchinson
Joke: Went to a housewarming party, they said bring a gift, i brought them a boiler and 2 radiators.

Ian Hawkins
Joke: My father was a remote, distant man. He was a polar explorer.

Hilary Taylor
Joke: On hearing the news that Saddam Hussein had been executed, Elton John was quick to record a memorial record. The single "Dangle in the Wind" is released Monday.

Stu Hepcat
Joke: Hey just been back from Vegas, what a town. Iv'e come up with a system for the gambling, as soon as you get off the plane at McCarran airport...walk straight into the propeller!

Danny Davis
Joke: I met a girl recently, sweet looking, and things went well first time we went out....we went back to her place and...you know....we became intimate....and I said to her, because she looked sooooooooooo sweet.....am I the first man that you've slept with....and she says "Maybe, your face looks familiar

Kris Nixon
Joke: What noise does a cow make?............................Moo
What noise does a sheep make?............................Bah
What noise does an Oyster make?...............................Beep. or BEEP BEEP if you're short of cash

James Aukett
Joke: Welcome to the 2007 Budget - or as I like to call it, "Future Prime Minister's Question Time"!

Ed O'Meara
Joke: I wanted to defend myself on the street so thought about getting some pepper spray. The online stuff is expensive so I decided to make my own. The trouble is that I don't know how much pepper to grind in. Too much and I might clog up the nozzle, too little and I might just season my attacker - I want to incapacitate him, not improve his flavour.

Ben Van der Velde
Joke: I destroyed a Burberry shop with a combine harvester in the name of middle class elitism. I was separating the wheat from the chav.

Davey Butler
Joke: If you cut an eskimo in half is it like an artic roll?

Paul Osborne
Joke: I went to that Charles Dickens museum near Kings Cross the other day. It was good, but a little too Dickensian for me.

Kirsty Hudson
Joke: I visisted the doctors recently, the doctor says to me, have you thought about losing weight? He then says I can refer you to a nutrionist to teach you how to eat. I am 5ft and i weigh 13 stone , I am thinking is it not clear i am fantastic in that area already!

Jak Amneziak
Joke: Why did the lion get lost? coz jungle is massive!

AA Lorber
Joke: Nurse to doctor: Doctor, do you realise you have a suppository behind your ear!
Doctor to nurse: I know, some bum's got my pencil.

Tom Waters
Joke: How do you make a duck sing the blues? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

Brendan Naughton
Joke: Did you ever wonder what gerbils do for kinky sex?

Kevin Rice
Joke: I went out with a mermaid once. She said she was ending it because I was too shellfish.

Dan Moore
Joke: What do you get if you cross Jesus?
Christianity

Phil McHugh
Joke: I had a fight with one of the blokes in B&Q. He started it ,he ran up to me and said "Do you want deckin'?"

iMac Hunt
Joke: Did you hear the two horny maggots?
They came in pears!

Chuquai Billy
Joke: My GP is getting mixed in his old age. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough, then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.

Alex Caldwell
Joke: People say we are too soft on crime in this country, but they're even more lenient abroad. In Iraq, Saddam Hussain was responsible for mass genocide, and all he got was a suspended sentence!

Alex Lasarev
Joke: I'm going to start a cleaning business and hire only Multi racial Employees.
I'm going to call it, Ethnic Cleansing.