| Ben Chancer
Joke: An octopus swans into a
bar proclaiming to be a genius musician with any instrument.
An English fella riled by the squid's audacious claims
wages him an ale he can't play the boozers piano better
than Elton john, the octopus excepts the challenge and
proceeds to play the keys like Mozart! Not wanting to
be sidelined an Irish brogue yells at the octopus to
work his magic on his electric guitar; to which the
8 legged legend smirks before knocking out a number
better then Hendrix, flaunting his talents defiantly
with aquatic arrogance! Finally a burly drunk Scotsman
who has been seething in the corner rocks up to the
octopuses table and says; "alreet you slippery
swine, why don't ye try ye chances with me bag-pipes
eh ye cocky wee shite!!?" Shoving the instrument
aggressively in the arms of the maestro, the octopus
wastes no time leaping upon the instrument in a flash,
rubbing his tentacles up and down the instruments bag
like a squid possessed, fumbling in a noticeable f!
luster for several minutes without so much as a note
from the pipes! The Scotsman laughs and claps his hands
in triumph; "whets the matter pal" he crows,
"can you nay play it!!?...."play it!?"
says the octopus "I'm gonna shag her brains out
once I get her fookin pyjama's off!"
Lee Hume
Joke: Horse walks into a bar.
The barman says 'Why the Long face?'. The horse says
'Its over Geoff'.
Tom Everitt
Joke: If the bird of peace
is the dove, surely the bird of true love is the swallow!
Shan Mak
Joke: Whats the difference between
Clint Eastwood and anal sex? one will make your day
the other will make your hole weak.
Andy Sills
Joke: I've been spending a lot
of time trying to find myself recently.......on google
earth
Michael Cohen
Joke: How do old people know when
to get out of the bath? They're so wrinkly to begin
with...
Ben Briggs
Joke: My last relationship was
ended brutally by a text message,
Well i told her not to play with her phone whilst she
was driving
Terry Stamp
Joke: They say revenge is a dish
best served cold. My girlfriend left me for my best
friend a while ago. I decided to get back at them. So
I took them out for a nice ploughmans lunch.
Matt Day
Joke: Man walked into a room with
a sheep under his arm .
says "this is the old goat i have to sleep with
when you have given me a head ache"
woman says " i think your find thats a sheep"
man replys "i think your find i was talking to
the sheep "
Scott Oulton
Joke: Ann Widdicombe walks in
a pub with a parrott on her shoulder and says to the
barman, "if you can tell me what animal i have
on my shoulder ill give you a shag". With a look
of fear and disgust, the barman says " ah, um,
eh.... A Crocodile!" Ann says, Close enough!
Tommy Ettling
Joke: I'm Neurotic and I'm Paranoid...
I'm afraid that no one is out to get me.
Albion Gray
Joke: I recently told a joke about
Tony Blair still being Prime Minister - apparently it
wasn't politically correct.
Alistair Greaves
Joke: Q - What do you call a dinosaur
who can never quite think of the right word?
A - Use-a-thesaurus
Kai Motta
Joke: Did you hear about the cross
dressing postman?
She got done
for male fraud.
John Atkins
Joke: I punched a German philosopher
in the face the other day...
I was arrested for crimes against Nietzsche.
Martin Richardson
Joke: I've been trying new things
in London, so the other week i went to see a musical.
Then after the show i read the reviews. One said "This
show is like nothing you'll ever see again." I
went twice, it was exactly the same.
Luke Graves
Joke: They say that black is slimming
but I think that Barry White proved that theory wrong...
Bob Freeman
Joke: Bob wakes up one morning,
looks out of his window to find a gorilla in his favorite
tree. So he calls the pest control immediately.
The pest control man arrives in his van and says, "That
the gorilla?"
"Yep that's him"
the pest control man then opens his van and gets out
a pair of hand cuffs, a terrier dog and a shot gun.
He say, "right, I'm gonna go up that tree, wrestle
with the gorilla, slap the hand cuffs on him and push
him out the tree. When he lands, this dog will grab
him by the bollocks and hold him there till i get down,
ok?"
"yeah that sounds fine"
He starts to climb the tree when Bob says to the pest
control man,
"hey what about the shot gun!"
"Oh yeah I forgot, if by any chance I fall out
first, shoot that bloody dog!"
Shane O'Connor
Joke: It's a cruel irony of life
that people who go speed dating take the longest to
get laid.
Laurie Whiteley
Joke: Two dyslexics are at a petrol
station. One turns to the other and says, 'Can you smell
petrol?' The other one says 'Smell petrol? I can't even
smell my own name!'
Kat Williams
Joke: Did you hear, caffine releases
the same endoprhines in the body as a really good shag,
so does that make Machine-based instant coffee kind
of like getting laid in a bathroom of an isolated gas
station in a horror movie; it's dirty, seems like a
good idea at the time, takes three seconds and tastes
vaguely of something viral, and during the process you
realise you may just wind up horrifically murdered...but
damnit, it's still coffee.
Joke: How do
you sell a caravan to a midgit?
(Look down) "do
you want to buy a caravan?"
Milly Belderbos
Joke: A very loud, unattractive,
hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with
her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all
the way through the entrance.
The door greeter
says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice
children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The fat ugly
woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of
course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the
youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're
twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you
d*ckhead?"
"Absolutely
not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe
anyone would shag you twice!"
Christian
Joke: I went to the doctors with
an hereditary disease, what is it he asked, Diahorrea
i replied... The doctor said thats not hereditary, and
i said, well it's in my jeans....
Chris Parker-Welch
Joke: Why are countries poor when
they can print their own money??
Andrew Quinn
Joke: In my last relationship
I got pretty badly burnt...she was a pyromaniac.
Sam Pacelli
Joke: Who's the richest fruit
in the world? Sultana Brunei.
Ben Allen Roebuck
Joke: An Australian walks into
a small Irish bar...(in Ireland not Australia), after
taking a seat at the bar,a local stands up and proudly
says "53"....there is a pause, then everybody
starts laughing....then another patron stands up and
says "42"...again everybody cracks up with
laughter...the Ozzie turns to the barman an asks "whats
is this ?....some kind of Irish Bingo????...The barman
replies "No son...this is only a small Irish town,
we all know each others jokes, and to make it easier
we have numbered everyones jokes, so we just say the
number and everyone has a good laugh...
The Ozzie looks impressed and then enquires " Mind
if i have a go?"...After the barmans consent, the
Australian stands up, turns around and says loudly "86"...there
is a pause....nobody laughs except for one guy that
gives a mild snigger...The Ozzie turns back to the barman
and asks "what went wrong...was it a bad joke"
He replies...."No,.....it was a great,,....unfortunately
your delivery was just shit"
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